Eliza Doolittle- S/T (Parlophone)

Eliza Doolittle- S/T (Parlophone)

Oh for fucks sake! Is she the Frankenstein of a major label laboratory incorporating all of the essential traits of a 00s-10s pop star, presented as responsibly cooky (because kids love cooky) and because Lily Allen was far too uncontrollable, Amy Macdonald was too scottish and Paloma Faith was just a bit too far up her own arse. Doolittle is Parlophones creation as much as Zach Efron was Disneys, only Efron was at least vaguely talented.

Doolittle's self titled debut (an early sign of a lack of creativity) is piss poor PG Cert Allen, complete with the Quirky (Vomit!) Cover and the same "CRAAAZY" Font but with none of the spunk or the sass or the sex, I reckon you'd really only be able to get to first base with Doolittle given the boring characters in her songs.

"Moneybox" sounds like the themetune to some ninties CITV kids show but obviously written by a fourty year old record executive trying to appeal to the kids (of course Doolittle "co-writes" everything) but what under 18 year old would "lounge on our coach and listen to our 45s" Uhhhh what the fuck is a 45 anyway? most teenagers would proababy reply, do teenagers own 45s, I didnt, and I was 12, 11 years ago, do teenagers even buy CDs these days, It's all i-tunes and illegal downloads right?

Note to Doolittle's writers maybe it should be "sit on the sofa, and download some tunes from itunes and listen to them bruv"

"Rollerblades" is an ill-advised early ballad with its "quirky" un chorus "I was on my rollerblades, Rolling on, moving on" Gah! what a metaphor for a breakup! Kate Nash come back! all is forgiven!

Throughout the album all the familiar things are in place

SIXTIES GIRL GROUPS

HANDCLAPS

LOTS OF WHISTLING

STATEMENTS ABOUT LONDON

and ome of the lightest/naffet pre-teen trying to be like their older sister lyrics "I don't want to be all the above, dont fit in with me, not me" by writers who probably only associate with teenagers with statistics or an "accidental" shag "Sorry didn't realize she was only 15 officer" after a indie club night.

If anyone referred to Kate Nash as the diet coke version of Lily allen, THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? Dolittle isn't completely devoid of talent, she can hit the notes easily but her quirks are as a fake as a Big Brother contestant and her performances are about as engaging as Cameron Diaz. Doolittle has no connection to her songs, they are merely trotted out as if trained by some stage school troll (oh wait she's the daughter of a stage school troll!) While not particularly offensive (no time for actual feeling), this is so inoffensive it's sickning especially since the current music scene has enough quirky and geninuely so female vocalists that anyone who wouldn't disregard Doolittle and her debut after hearing half a second on the radio should be shot instantly. 0/10