Me and my bandmates will soon have the pleasure of playing your venue/festival/university ball/village fair yadda yadda yadda. There are a few essential (although modest) requests that we politely need before we can become friends and of course play to our highest standards. I was a promoter in a past life so I know there’s a certain amount of toing/froing that we all need to do before we come to a middle ground to suit your budgets/our egos (but anything other than a jovial or helpful alternative will be dismissed as bad or boring “business practice” and hey we all got into this for a “bit of a laugh” right?)
The following are the aforementioned requests that I know you will be able to adhere to...
1) A BUY OUT of £ 15 per head (for 10 people) or in house dinner...
I’m not a picky eater, I occasionally treat myself to a sizeable portion of cheesy chips after a long night at the pub. However we do not expect for this to be the case with the catering at ANY of our forthcoming performances. So let’s just rule out altogether Burgers/Fries/Pizza/KFC or any version of this. If the food is catered, please let it not be swimming in a pint of grease or simply be a glorified version of the following: Pasta with tomato sauce, Chilli, Baked Potato (although great as a side) or a lump of meat. Put a bit of time and effort into preparing it, think of it as an audition for come dine with me or dinner date, We will rate you out of 10 and report back to our manager/agent, If we do not approve we will suggest that the costings of said “food” be taken out of the final settlement. Alternatively, if a buy out recommend me somewhere nice- imagine I’m a hot babe that you really want to impress... Let it be said that I am not interested in Candles, Flowers or holding your hand over a three course meal but something that will not end up in a long flowing of faeces in a series of overused travel stops between your show and the next. This is much appreciated... A Sandwich does also not count as “dinner” no matter how “lovingly” prepared.
Yes! It’s the staple of the “life on the road” diet and the whole point of pursuing a “career” in music is for a constant flow of alcohol (worked for my heroes Lemmy, Keith Richards and Motley Crue) and girls (but I’ll get to that later) so we require the following:
a) Three Cases of HIGH QUALITY (Essential) BEER.
Read This as meaning NO Carling, Fosters or Carlsberg- Advertising Bullshit aside, none of these “beers” would ever win a “finest beer award” although potentially a “least disgusting drinkable piss” award could be on the cards should such a contest exist. No Offence if any of these companies are your sponsor, it’s not personal and deep down inside you know you agree!
b) One Bottle of GOOD QUALITY (Essential) WHITE AND One Bottle of GOOD QUALITY (Essential) RED Wine.
We are all grown-ups, you know what I’m Talking about, Sainsburys, Tesco and Even Fucking ASDA do some really good deals... look for the Buy One Get One Free, Reduced By £2, 3 For £ 10 (Hell you keep the third...Our Tour Manager may question your integrity when he’s sees it missing from the rider when he goes through your receipts for the settlement but tell him I Said it was okay) but again, use your discretion, I don’t want no Lambrini or Crap Chardonnay and just because they drunk Black Tower in Big Brother 3 Doesn’t mean I want it on the rider. This is essential for various reasons, 1) There are girls in our band that simply “vomit at the taste of beer” (bullshit- but I pretend to care) so they NEED wine. 2) I’m also trying to prevent a certain band member who gets serious wind from drinking half a crate of even the finest of continental microbrews and I’m tired of waking up every morning smelling like an OAP who has shat themselves. 3) As a whole Girls Like Wine and I think we’ve discussed that already or are soon about to... Obviously if you have the luxury of having a wine cellar with the crème de la crème of vintage and fine wines then this will be appreciated but only expected if the show sells out.
c) One Bottle of GOOD QUALITY Vodka (Not the kind we used to pay people to get for us from wine shops when we 14 that had the same consistency as nail varnish) One Bottle of GOOD QUALITY Whiskey (To me this is Jack Daniels, Jameson or Bushmills, I like to mix it with Ginger Ale/Lemonade... So I probably wouldn’t know if you got an empty bottle and filled it with basics but I trust you and know that without this you appreciate the show will suffer) Of Course if you have the luxury of having a large selection of Whiskey in your establishment I will take a shot of the most expensive one or a selection of a few in the higher ranges. Please Surprise us with One Other bottle of Spirits from your range (This should not include Sourz or Sambucca- Hate The Stuff!), Consider it your moment of creativity in an otherwise regimented system of “artist demands.” If we don’t like it then we’ll probably give it to the support(s) and as we all know most of them are happy as larry with 12 carlings, a case of water and a 6 pack of Walkers Crisps (Under no circumstances should that be our rider!) not like they have any choice anyway!
d) A Few Cans of Cider... I speak for one member of our band who once paid $ 10 for a strongbow in the USA, yes it’s idiotic, but its along the same lines as those who “vomit at the taste of beer” except they will not consume either B or C... if you need any further justification for any inclusion of the previously stated, we will say we are allergic and could not possibly fulfil our commitments to play the event for it may lead to a trip to the hospital or at worse an untimely death.
e) A Selection of Mixers To Include CocaCola (Official Brand ONLY Please, Yes I know they are evil, feed aborted monkey foetuses to third world countries or whatever, but It’s the only brand I like... preferably in Glass Bottles, but Cans or even a 2L at a push will have to do), Lemonade (I’m not really picky on this one, although NO Cloudy Lemonade, and obviously Sprite or 7UP would be admired and is likely to enhance our performance), A Selection of Juices (No Own Brand/One Step up from Own Brand, in an ideal situation you have freshly squeezed the oranges/apples/pineapples/cranberries yourself earlier in the day and have lovingly prepared it in the same way you have our delicious dinner) and finally some Tonic (Schweppes) and Ginger Ale (Canada Dry). Of Course these are only guidelines and are suggested to provide a Five K/10 out of 10 performances for you, us and the people spending their hard earned money on your show.
f) Tea/Coffee/Milk/Sugar/Honey/Lemon (All Standards although seldom ever used, it is expected that you carry these around to every gig, set them up on the off chance and have to lug them back to your office every single night. I personally LOVE All of these things, and I feel that if you the promoter have made the effort I will endeavour to make myself and you- should you want one, a cuppa!)
3) SNACKS To Include:
a) A Selection of Meats: This is the bit when you go to the meat section of the supermarket and just go crazy, although please don’t pick up Bernard Manning or any of those kids sandwich packs or anything that looks like it could be scraped off the floor and thrown into a packet (basically this is not an ASDA moment) but also please use a bit of common sense and do not provide us with BEEF... who puts supermarket Beef in a sandwich! Ugh makes me sick just thinking about it, however if you are feeling so kind to roast Beef on the day of the show (or the day before) for our rider, this is appreciated and may be rewarded. Otherwise no Beef! Just think about it!
b) A Selection of Cheeses: Again this is fairly self explanatory, get a selection, a Cheddar (But not Mild, who buys mild???) A Bree, A Blue Cheese, Something Spicy (Nothing with Fruit), you can get one of those “Cheese Selection” packs, they are usually pretty good and come with a knife (often something forgotten) and a board to chop it on.
c) A Selection of Bread: Fresh Rolls preferably or Bagels (Love Bagels!), but other types of bread are acceptable, but please consider that we are making sandwiches and would request that the bread is fresh and not basics (We were students and consumed enough 39p bread back then for a lifetime) My Personal Favourite is “Tiger Bread” (In Loaf or Roll format, no need to be picky) if it’s still warm I’ll get down on my knees and suck your preferred testicle (Disclaimer: Only ONE testicle per show) (Further Disclaimer: The Bread must be at the optimium temperature where my butter (Please Provide Butter, Butter/Butter not Flora or the Italian one or some can’t believe its not butter stuff...) melts without a hasty knife wrist action and only then will this offer be redeemable
d) A Selection of Fruits To Include but not be limited to... Apple, Orange, Banana, Grapes, Peaches, Plums, Pears, Nectarines, Strawberries, Blueberries, Blackberries, Raspberries, Gooseberries, Quince, Cherry, Apricot, Greengage, Paw Paw, Loganberry, Jujube, Pomegranate, Pineapple, Grapefruit, Kumquat, Passion Fruit, Guava, Avocado, Lyches or any other tropical fruit. Preferably freshly grown by yours truly or provided by a local organic greengrocer and not just a selection of Basics from any previous advertised supermarket... I can taste the difference.
e) A Selection of Vegetables To Include by not be limited to... well use your common sense, there’s no point bringing us any “Flower Bud” or “Tubers” without any means to cook them is there... Tomatoes, Celery (Although personally I hate it), Carrots, Cucumber etc etc... You Don’t need me to hold your hand
f) A Selection of Dips (Hummus, Salsa, Sour Cream yadda yadda) if we can dip a vegetable in it... buy it please! But don’t get funny with me and provide me with a pot of Chicken Tonight sauce like some smart ass did, let’s just say he ended up wearing it as a hat if you know what I mean and still works up a cold sweat every time he hears that theme song.
g) An Assortment of Crisps and Nuts I think we know each other well enough now to cut to the chase... A Walkers Six Pack may be acceptable to our support band but we will not be happy to see 2 packets of ready salted, 2 packets of cheese and onion and 2 packets of salt and vinegar in our dressing room on arrival. We are more likely to crush them all up and sprinkle them down your trousers... If Walkers are your sponsor please provide us with some of their more expressive flavours or cutting styles. Personally I’d like to forget Walkers all together and focus more on Kettle Chips, McCoys or Vegetable Chips, Wholewheat Pita Chips are also really nice too. This isn’t an empty threat. We probably won’t eat the nuts but buy them anyway.
h) An Assortment of Chocolate Bars Major brands only please, basically check if there’s an ice cream version of it and we’ll be barking up the right tree.
i) Utensils/sauces for us to make said sandwiches this is a fatal flaw when it comes to riders, often you have everything to make a delicious sandwich but without a knife or bread or butter or mayonnaise or BBQ Sauce and nothing makes me more depressed than this. Well Supermarket Beef but I think I’ve already covered that. We aren’t monsters are unlikely to want to accumulate a lifetimes supply of plastic cutlery so you’ll be able to use it on other shows. Yes plastic is fine, however metal and fine china is always welcomed and will enhance the quality of our performance.
a) Several Postcards of the town we are playing in: We have anxious parents that our worried we are simply drinking and eating and playing “music” and would love to know that we are still alive and well and maintaining some level of cleanliness and good manners (of course from this rider you have discovered that the latter is present in our every day behaviour). Of Course if the highlight of your town is an old tree stump that Lisa Stansfield once took a piss on, then please let our Tour Manager know and we will promptly cancel the show and have a day on the sofa instead because quite frankly it’s not worth our time or yours.
b) A Packet of Extra Large Condoms Now you think I’m doing myself a great service here but I’m being serious, in my long list of skills and talents designed to make the world a better place, I require Extra Large Condoms, I’ll even show you if you do not believe me, the only reason I have not enlisted myself in a life of porn is due to my lack of acting ability and I believe if you can’t really live and breathe the role of a plumber, people will never fully invest themselves into the character and as a fan of motion pictures I could not inflict that on others. Alternatively If you do not believe that condoms are your responsibility I beg you to reconsider your chosen profession. I am playing your event and by doing so I am turning women on and without means to protect myself (and them), your event is effectively impregnating them and as a result you are liable to any of the circumstances post said impregnation including but not limited to marriage, raising the child as your own, paying for it’s education, wedding etc. So save yourself a lot of money and effort and buy some condoms, as we have already discussed the only other reason besides “the music” (yeah right) is women!
Right I think that covers everything, of course you’ve seen a lot of these riders so once again i encourage you to use your common sense on anything I may have missed out on in my small and modest request required to get the very best out of this experience. We are very much looking forward to meeting you and cannot wait to hear from you regarding what cannot be provided on our forthcoming show, of course I think we have an understanding as to what can be removed from this simple list (aka nothing) but if you feel any of it should be discussed simply contact our Tour Manager so he/she can bully you into submission. And Please under no circumstances ask us for any CDs/T-Shirts/Tote Bags/Autographs for you/your best friend/your girlfriend/boyfriend, transsexual cousin/sister/brother/aunt... whatever. On the very unlikely event that we should offer such a service, say no and walk away.
Thanks and all the very best,